Posted in Uncategorized

What is?

Today I am feeling at peace. I have a lot of good things going for me. My mental illness is under control, I start my first job in a couple days and I’m almost done with summer term in college. Not to mention that my cars in the shop getting fixed! I have a little over 9 months clean and my life is beautiful. I’m grateful for my life today. I have a hint of happiness and that’s big shit. I haven’t had even the slightest bit of happiness in years so this is a huge deal. Although, I am still trying the find out what to do when I’m experiencing uncomfortable emotions such as anger and sadness. I’m managing them better than I used to though.

What is life? What is love? What is happiness? I’m finding that out. Thank you for reading. More blog posts coming soon.

Posted in Uncategorized

Good things

I had a good day today. I got my first job, I got a car the other day and I’m still passing all my classes in school. I also have 9 months clean. I’m in recovery. Anything is possible. Mental illness may be an every day struggle but it’s still possible to achieve things during the struggle. I have a little hint of happiness which is a huge deal for me. I don’t let my mental illness get in the way of my accomplishments. I’m a college student, that’s huge. This is my second term. So for those of you who think you can’t be successful because you have a mental illness, you’re wrong. I’m living proof of that. Everyone has potential. I’ve gone through a lot of struggles in my lifetime and still do, but I now finally feel at peace. Goodnight everyone. Feel free to check out my Facebook page. Please like it. http://www.facebook.com/writings4theheart 

Posted in Uncategorized

Changes

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here. There’s been a lot of changes going on. I’ve been in a funk but I’ve slowly been getting out of it. I’ve been stuck in this funk for a while. But hopefully soon I’ll be posting a movie review. It’s a surprise. I’ve already watched the movie and it was a good one. 

Even though I’ve been in a funk I’ve still managed to stay on top of school work. I skipped two classes though because I was so depressed and was feeling psychotic. Mostly I’ve just been sleeping, but now it’s time to pick myself back up.

Blogging is something I enjoy so you’ll be hearing from me again sometime soon. I just haven’t been in the right mindset lately.

Goodnight everyone. Oh. And the workings of my mind part 2 will be coming out soon too.

Posted in Uncategorized

Anger

So recently I’ve started working on my anger. I have anger problems and I am known to lash out and say and do things that damage personal relationships. I am in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read called Make Anger Your Ally by Neil Clark Warren. So far so good. I started an anger journal tonight which I got the idea from the book so the book is helping me. I also bought a DBT skills workbook by Matthew McKay that I’m also going to be working on with my therapist. Anger is a huge deal for me and I haven’t been taking care of it. I know my stress level is always high due to the mismanagement of my anger, it’s something I wasn’t dealing with. Being mad at the world all the time isn’t healthy for me. What I can tell you is that being angry all the time is draining and anger is something that is important to work on.

I know that my mental health will improve if I continue to work on my anger. This is an area that I’ve lacked. It’s an area that I never really truly worked on, and now that I am I am sensing some improvement. I mean, yes, I’ve worked on it a little bit, I haven’t laid hands on anyone in over two years BUT that’s not enough. I get angry outbursts, freak out on people and freak out in general, it’s not healthy. So the fact that I’m finally working on it is a huge deal, something I’m proud of.

I’ve been going to several people asking them how they manage their anger and it has given me hope that I too can learn to mange my anger. Coping skills are important. For those who have been in treatment centers you’ve probably heard the term. It’s applying it that’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Thank you for reading. Please like my facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/writings4theheart goodnight everyone!

Posted in The workings of my mind

The workings of my mind pt. 1

I feel like I haven’t posted on here for a while. I’ve been struggling with being tired 24/7. I’ve barely been able to function. I’ve been waking up in the mornings then falling back asleep. Then I wake up in the afternoons for the day. What is it that’s making me so tired? Stress? Maybe. I don’t entirely know. My meds got changed again but none of them make me tired again so I don’t know. Everything’s just exhausting right now.

My mental health is slowly starting to improve again. VERY slowly. Every once in a while I see shadow people and get paranoid and delusional. The intensity of my symptoms are very high most of the time. You can have a normal conversation with me then all of a sudden I get super paranoid. So maybe it’s not improving. It’s either getting a tiny bit better or a tiny bit worse. But I write this while I’m in a psychosis so it’s hard to distinguish. My mind isn’t right.

My mind is scattered. But that’s okay. Not all of my blog posts are going to be super positive. There’s a reason for that. The reason for that is that it wouldn’t be real. I’m always myself. I may be in a psychosis but giving up is NOT an option. The workings of my mind.

Posted in Book Review

Book Review #2

Words can’t express how much I disliked this book. The title should have said it all on how bad it was going to be. It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was going to be a terrible book but I wanted to give it a chance.

The poetry in this book flowed BUT I feel like the way this woman portrayed mental illness was completely disrespectful and ignorant. I do NOT recommend this book to anyone. I’m actually probably going to throw this book away because I don’t want it to be part of my collection. It was wasted money, that’s for sure.

People with mental illness aren’t crazy and I hate it when people say they are. We may struggle with different things than the average person does but it doesn’t make us crazy. Just because something happens that other people don’t understand and appear strange to some people, that doesn’t make us crazy. This book in my opinion was making it sound like mental illness is crazy. Then it proceeded to get worse throughout the whole book. Yes, she’s good at writing but this was not the way.

If there was a rating on 1-5 stars, 1 being the worst and 5 being the greatest, I would definitely give it a 1. It’s not worth reading and it gives people the wrong idea. She makes it sound like she cares about ending the stigma on mental illness but she basically reinforced the stigma. 5 thumbs down.

Reading this book upset me, I was hoping that in the book she would learn to accept her sister’s mental illness but she didn’t. It was very disappointing.

Posted in Uncategorized

Lately

So I’ve been struggling with being angry all the time and lately I’ve been waking up angry. Due to that I didn’t want to post on my blog because the negativity would be strong. A lot of the time I’m a negative person and it tends to be getting worse. So instead of writing a completely negative post I decided to not post anything at all.

Honestly, my moods been going from bad to worse a long with my mental health but luckily I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a few days to get my meds adjusted. It feels like a hassle having to take meds and having to get them adjusted all the time but it’s adjusted choice I’m willing to make. Reason being that I’d rather not hear voices all the time and get in psychosis all the time. To me there’s only two options, I can either take my meds and be somewhat functional or not take them at all and not be functional at all. Being somewhat functional sounds like a better alternative. It’s a hit and miss with meds and I know that once I get on the right combination I’ll be able to become completely functional.

The cool thing is that I’m a college student and manage to keep good grades even when I’m going through crisis. I have a lot going on in my life but getting a degree is important to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about admitting myself to the psychiatric ward because that’s what I’m used to. I don’t like the hospital and it affects my PTSD due to past experiences but for some reason I always want to go there when I’m struggling. But I need to know my limits. It’s good to go to the hospital when you’re struggling but for me, I shouldn’t go unless I’m a danger to myself or others. I don’t feel like I am and I still have a lot of unpaid medical bills. But I know that if I really need to go I’ll go.

My past experiences in hospitals haven’t been that good. I have a history of violence in hospitals. I have attacked nurses and other staff members when in a psychosis and when I was on drugs and due to that I’ve been tackled, tranquilized and strapped down on multiple occassions. They were very scary experiences. I don’t believe restraints are the measures they should take, it’s terrifying and only made me freak out more. I’ve been in and out of the hospital since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I can’t go past 2 or 3 months without going to the hospital for one reason or another. But my hospitalizations are becoming less frequent and I’m learning new coping skills. Practicing them is the hard part though. Every time I get hospitalized for suicidal ideations or attempts I get put in a tiny cold room with nothing but a bed and a TV. I also don’t have a very good track record with hospitals and psych wards, due to that is why they put me in those tiny rooms, because I’m known to be violent. That goes to show that my past creeps up on me. On the bright side of that though, I havent layed a hand on anyone for over 2 years. That’s an accomplishment

Thanks for reading. Do remember that to contact me my email is writings4theheart@gmail.com or you can visit my Facebook page. I’m off to bed. Have a good night everyone.

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Facebook

Like this blog? Feel free to follow my facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/writings4theheart

Please show your support if you wish. 🙂 and if you have a friend who may be interested in reading this blog or anyone for that matter, feel free to invite them to my facebook page and it’ll say the link to this blog on here and when I have new posts on my blog.

Thank you everyone for being a part of my blog.

Posted in psychosis, The workings of my mind

What is it?

My friendships have been undergoing a lot of changes. I have lost many friends the past year or so. Most of which, is due to lack of understanding. What I mean by that is that mental illness is so stigmatized by society that people don’t bother to learn more about it. Yeah, there’s the internet but the internet is all technical and only says the doctors point of view unless you really find something that is from someone whose experienced it. I commend people on doing their research but until you get close to someone with mental illness, you won’t know much about it. The thing is, that you have to go in with an open mind instead of judging the person when they do or say something you don’t understand. This is why a lot of my friendships have been failing lately.

I’m a handful, I require a lot of patience, not only because of my mental illness, but because I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. When I feel, I feel hard, doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m a really good person, I just deal with a lot of things that the average person doesn’t deal with. People don’t like that. The ones who accept me for who I am are the ones I need to be around. I get so stuck on the people who don’t care enough to be my friend that I push away the ones who do. It’s not intentionally, it’s just that I put all the focus on trying to mend the friendships that aren’t working or that have already ended. That’s something I need to work on because I do have some solid people in my life and they’re the ones that I should be focusing on, not the ones who ignore me and don’t give me the time of day. It’s easier said than done though.

It’s harder for me to get and keep friends than most people. Most of the time I do something to screw it up BUT usually all the blame is on me when they play a part in it too at times. To me, friendship requires communication just as much as romantic relationships do. Maybe not to the same extent, but when I’m having an argument with a friend or when there’s some concern, communication needs to be there to move forward from it. Yet, most of the time unfortunately, it ends in them ignoring me and avoiding their problems, now that’s something I don’t like. People stick their noses up in the air because they don’t have to deal with the shit that I deal with. That’s the people I need to stop focusing my attention on.

So today I’m just going to try to focus on the ones who care and disregard the ones who don’t. When I find myself getting worked up about it again I’ll do my best to redirect my mind to the present moment.

Now I said I’d write about my hallucinations and delusions and I haven’t forgotten.

My beliefs when I’m in a psychotic state vary, but the main theme is demons, possession, the government, the Illuminati, the CIA, etc. But demons are the top one that I struggle with. When I’m having a psychotic episode and stuck in my paranoia I believe that demons are possessing me, sometimes I hear them, most of the time I don’t. Sometimes I feel them and sometimes I twitch by feeling them. At that moment, everything feels real and I get so wrapped in it that it’s hard to get out. When I’m in that state I feel like everyone’s out to get me and that everyone’s trying to kill me. I feel like the governments after me and that I’m onto them. I get paranoid that everyone’s plotting to get me sent to the state hospital and that they’re all in cahoots with each other for this master plan. Sometimes I get auditory hallucinations that are in demonic voices which scare the shit out of me. Sometimes I get visual hallucinations which tend to be shadow people or a person in a trench coat, sometimes it’s white, sometimes it’s black, it varies. When I’m in a psychosis there’s no reasoning with me. Everything seems like a catastrophe and it takes a long time for me to get out of it, but the time it takes for me to get out of it varies on the severity of the psychosis I’m in. It’s more scary for me than it is for the person experiencing me in it. There’s way more that I experience in my hallucinations and delusions but I will write more about them later.

What I experience doesn’t make me crazy. My brain is wired differently and it’s debilitating. My psychosis’s have been happening more often than not lately but it’s slowly going down again to the point of stability but not quite. I know I’m slowly improving again because I have been stable before. It’s maintaining it that’s the hard part. I’m going through med changes so things are gonna be a little rocky. BUT there is hope. I’m not giving up.

Posted in The workings of my mind, Uncategorized

How are you?

So I realized that when people ask me how I am I can give a different answer to each person in a matter of five minutes. Do they really want to know how I am? What’s the point in even asking someone how they are when they don’t want to know the details? If they’re close friends I understand, but if they’re just acquaintances or passerby’s why is it the norm for people to ask, “How are you?”. This is something I wonder. I say how are you to people but I don’t really think anything of it. The main answers I get when I ask someone how they are would be “fine”, “okay”, “alright”, “good.” Those are the main answers I get from people. Even though it’s a form of communication, why are we so adapted to asking it anyways when we’re just constantly going to be getting the same answers? I’ve heard people say they’re not doing good or they’re doing bad. I’ve said it myself. When I do say that I’m doing bad some disregard it, while others ask “what’s wrong?” but they don’t want to really hear what’s wrong.  Some do, but the vast majority don’t want to hear it.

Why not be able to say how bad you’re doing and not be judged by it? I am thoroughly judged but why? I know why, because I tell the truth. I NEVER pretend to be something I’m not. I’m always myself and people hate that. I don’t put up a front, I just don’t. I am the opposite of what society wants me to be. Not only am I Schizoaffective but I have OCD, not only do I have OCD I have PTSD, not only do I have PTSD I have depression, not only do I have depression I have high functioning autism, not only do I have high functioning autism, not only do I have high functioning autism I’m..what am I? Do all these things define me? Why do I have so much stuff I have to deal with? You know why? Because I can show other people that if I can get through it so can they. Because I can show people that ANYONE can succeed. I’m a first year college student and I exceeded on my spring term classes. I’m living off Social Security Disability but I’m looking for a job. I can’t communicate very well but I’m still doing my best to do so. There’s nothing wrong with living off social security just to clarify. It has done wonders for me and I appreciate getting the opportunity to have an income. Social Security is a good thing to have but I don’t want to live off it for the rest of my life. I feel like I can do more. All these things I have in my mind, THE WORKINGS OF MY MIND does not define me, it’s just a huge part of me. We are not alone!

You may wonder if I proofread my blog posts before I post them? Well, I don’t. I don’t because I don’t want to hinder the truth. Don’t let your mental illness define you. I’m still working on that. Soon you will read about my psychotic symptoms. But not in this particular blog post, maybe in my next one.

How am I?