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Lately

So I’ve been struggling with being angry all the time and lately I’ve been waking up angry. Due to that I didn’t want to post on my blog because the negativity would be strong. A lot of the time I’m a negative person and it tends to be getting worse. So instead of writing a completely negative post I decided to not post anything at all.

Honestly, my moods been going from bad to worse a long with my mental health but luckily I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a few days to get my meds adjusted. It feels like a hassle having to take meds and having to get them adjusted all the time but it’s adjusted choice I’m willing to make. Reason being that I’d rather not hear voices all the time and get in psychosis all the time. To me there’s only two options, I can either take my meds and be somewhat functional or not take them at all and not be functional at all. Being somewhat functional sounds like a better alternative. It’s a hit and miss with meds and I know that once I get on the right combination I’ll be able to become completely functional.

The cool thing is that I’m a college student and manage to keep good grades even when I’m going through crisis. I have a lot going on in my life but getting a degree is important to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about admitting myself to the psychiatric ward because that’s what I’m used to. I don’t like the hospital and it affects my PTSD due to past experiences but for some reason I always want to go there when I’m struggling. But I need to know my limits. It’s good to go to the hospital when you’re struggling but for me, I shouldn’t go unless I’m a danger to myself or others. I don’t feel like I am and I still have a lot of unpaid medical bills. But I know that if I really need to go I’ll go.

My past experiences in hospitals haven’t been that good. I have a history of violence in hospitals. I have attacked nurses and other staff members when in a psychosis and when I was on drugs and due to that I’ve been tackled, tranquilized and strapped down on multiple occassions. They were very scary experiences. I don’t believe restraints are the measures they should take, it’s terrifying and only made me freak out more. I’ve been in and out of the hospital since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I can’t go past 2 or 3 months without going to the hospital for one reason or another. But my hospitalizations are becoming less frequent and I’m learning new coping skills. Practicing them is the hard part though. Every time I get hospitalized for suicidal ideations or attempts I get put in a tiny cold room with nothing but a bed and a TV. I also don’t have a very good track record with hospitals and psych wards, due to that is why they put me in those tiny rooms, because I’m known to be violent. That goes to show that my past creeps up on me. On the bright side of that though, I havent layed a hand on anyone for over 2 years. That’s an accomplishment

Thanks for reading. Do remember that to contact me my email is writings4theheart@gmail.com or you can visit my Facebook page. I’m off to bed. Have a good night everyone.

Author:

I'm a highly intelligent aspiring writer. Never forget, we are not alone.

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