Posted in psychosis, The workings of my mind

What is it?

My friendships have been undergoing a lot of changes. I have lost many friends the past year or so. Most of which, is due to lack of understanding. What I mean by that is that mental illness is so stigmatized by society that people don’t bother to learn more about it. Yeah, there’s the internet but the internet is all technical and only says the doctors point of view unless you really find something that is from someone whose experienced it. I commend people on doing their research but until you get close to someone with mental illness, you won’t know much about it. The thing is, that you have to go in with an open mind instead of judging the person when they do or say something you don’t understand. This is why a lot of my friendships have been failing lately.

I’m a handful, I require a lot of patience, not only because of my mental illness, but because I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. When I feel, I feel hard, doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m a really good person, I just deal with a lot of things that the average person doesn’t deal with. People don’t like that. The ones who accept me for who I am are the ones I need to be around. I get so stuck on the people who don’t care enough to be my friend that I push away the ones who do. It’s not intentionally, it’s just that I put all the focus on trying to mend the friendships that aren’t working or that have already ended. That’s something I need to work on because I do have some solid people in my life and they’re the ones that I should be focusing on, not the ones who ignore me and don’t give me the time of day. It’s easier said than done though.

It’s harder for me to get and keep friends than most people. Most of the time I do something to screw it up BUT usually all the blame is on me when they play a part in it too at times. To me, friendship requires communication just as much as romantic relationships do. Maybe not to the same extent, but when I’m having an argument with a friend or when there’s some concern, communication needs to be there to move forward from it. Yet, most of the time unfortunately, it ends in them ignoring me and avoiding their problems, now that’s something I don’t like. People stick their noses up in the air because they don’t have to deal with the shit that I deal with. That’s the people I need to stop focusing my attention on.

So today I’m just going to try to focus on the ones who care and disregard the ones who don’t. When I find myself getting worked up about it again I’ll do my best to redirect my mind to the present moment.

Now I said I’d write about my hallucinations and delusions and I haven’t forgotten.

My beliefs when I’m in a psychotic state vary, but the main theme is demons, possession, the government, the Illuminati, the CIA, etc. But demons are the top one that I struggle with. When I’m having a psychotic episode and stuck in my paranoia I believe that demons are possessing me, sometimes I hear them, most of the time I don’t. Sometimes I feel them and sometimes I twitch by feeling them. At that moment, everything feels real and I get so wrapped in it that it’s hard to get out. When I’m in that state I feel like everyone’s out to get me and that everyone’s trying to kill me. I feel like the governments after me and that I’m onto them. I get paranoid that everyone’s plotting to get me sent to the state hospital and that they’re all in cahoots with each other for this master plan. Sometimes I get auditory hallucinations that are in demonic voices which scare the shit out of me. Sometimes I get visual hallucinations which tend to be shadow people or a person in a trench coat, sometimes it’s white, sometimes it’s black, it varies. When I’m in a psychosis there’s no reasoning with me. Everything seems like a catastrophe and it takes a long time for me to get out of it, but the time it takes for me to get out of it varies on the severity of the psychosis I’m in. It’s more scary for me than it is for the person experiencing me in it. There’s way more that I experience in my hallucinations and delusions but I will write more about them later.

What I experience doesn’t make me crazy. My brain is wired differently and it’s debilitating. My psychosis’s have been happening more often than not lately but it’s slowly going down again to the point of stability but not quite. I know I’m slowly improving again because I have been stable before. It’s maintaining it that’s the hard part. I’m going through med changes so things are gonna be a little rocky. BUT there is hope. I’m not giving up.