Posted in The workings of my mind

The workings of my mind pt. 1

I feel like I haven’t posted on here for a while. I’ve been struggling with being tired 24/7. I’ve barely been able to function. I’ve been waking up in the mornings then falling back asleep. Then I wake up in the afternoons for the day. What is it that’s making me so tired? Stress? Maybe. I don’t entirely know. My meds got changed again but none of them make me tired again so I don’t know. Everything’s just exhausting right now.

My mental health is slowly starting to improve again. VERY slowly. Every once in a while I see shadow people and get paranoid and delusional. The intensity of my symptoms are very high most of the time. You can have a normal conversation with me then all of a sudden I get super paranoid. So maybe it’s not improving. It’s either getting a tiny bit better or a tiny bit worse. But I write this while I’m in a psychosis so it’s hard to distinguish. My mind isn’t right.

My mind is scattered. But that’s okay. Not all of my blog posts are going to be super positive. There’s a reason for that. The reason for that is that it wouldn’t be real. I’m always myself. I may be in a psychosis but giving up is NOT an option. The workings of my mind.

Posted in psychosis, The workings of my mind

What is it?

My friendships have been undergoing a lot of changes. I have lost many friends the past year or so. Most of which, is due to lack of understanding. What I mean by that is that mental illness is so stigmatized by society that people don’t bother to learn more about it. Yeah, there’s the internet but the internet is all technical and only says the doctors point of view unless you really find something that is from someone whose experienced it. I commend people on doing their research but until you get close to someone with mental illness, you won’t know much about it. The thing is, that you have to go in with an open mind instead of judging the person when they do or say something you don’t understand. This is why a lot of my friendships have been failing lately.

I’m a handful, I require a lot of patience, not only because of my mental illness, but because I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. When I feel, I feel hard, doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m a really good person, I just deal with a lot of things that the average person doesn’t deal with. People don’t like that. The ones who accept me for who I am are the ones I need to be around. I get so stuck on the people who don’t care enough to be my friend that I push away the ones who do. It’s not intentionally, it’s just that I put all the focus on trying to mend the friendships that aren’t working or that have already ended. That’s something I need to work on because I do have some solid people in my life and they’re the ones that I should be focusing on, not the ones who ignore me and don’t give me the time of day. It’s easier said than done though.

It’s harder for me to get and keep friends than most people. Most of the time I do something to screw it up BUT usually all the blame is on me when they play a part in it too at times. To me, friendship requires communication just as much as romantic relationships do. Maybe not to the same extent, but when I’m having an argument with a friend or when there’s some concern, communication needs to be there to move forward from it. Yet, most of the time unfortunately, it ends in them ignoring me and avoiding their problems, now that’s something I don’t like. People stick their noses up in the air because they don’t have to deal with the shit that I deal with. That’s the people I need to stop focusing my attention on.

So today I’m just going to try to focus on the ones who care and disregard the ones who don’t. When I find myself getting worked up about it again I’ll do my best to redirect my mind to the present moment.

Now I said I’d write about my hallucinations and delusions and I haven’t forgotten.

My beliefs when I’m in a psychotic state vary, but the main theme is demons, possession, the government, the Illuminati, the CIA, etc. But demons are the top one that I struggle with. When I’m having a psychotic episode and stuck in my paranoia I believe that demons are possessing me, sometimes I hear them, most of the time I don’t. Sometimes I feel them and sometimes I twitch by feeling them. At that moment, everything feels real and I get so wrapped in it that it’s hard to get out. When I’m in that state I feel like everyone’s out to get me and that everyone’s trying to kill me. I feel like the governments after me and that I’m onto them. I get paranoid that everyone’s plotting to get me sent to the state hospital and that they’re all in cahoots with each other for this master plan. Sometimes I get auditory hallucinations that are in demonic voices which scare the shit out of me. Sometimes I get visual hallucinations which tend to be shadow people or a person in a trench coat, sometimes it’s white, sometimes it’s black, it varies. When I’m in a psychosis there’s no reasoning with me. Everything seems like a catastrophe and it takes a long time for me to get out of it, but the time it takes for me to get out of it varies on the severity of the psychosis I’m in. It’s more scary for me than it is for the person experiencing me in it. There’s way more that I experience in my hallucinations and delusions but I will write more about them later.

What I experience doesn’t make me crazy. My brain is wired differently and it’s debilitating. My psychosis’s have been happening more often than not lately but it’s slowly going down again to the point of stability but not quite. I know I’m slowly improving again because I have been stable before. It’s maintaining it that’s the hard part. I’m going through med changes so things are gonna be a little rocky. BUT there is hope. I’m not giving up.

Posted in The workings of my mind, Uncategorized

How are you?

So I realized that when people ask me how I am I can give a different answer to each person in a matter of five minutes. Do they really want to know how I am? What’s the point in even asking someone how they are when they don’t want to know the details? If they’re close friends I understand, but if they’re just acquaintances or passerby’s why is it the norm for people to ask, “How are you?”. This is something I wonder. I say how are you to people but I don’t really think anything of it. The main answers I get when I ask someone how they are would be “fine”, “okay”, “alright”, “good.” Those are the main answers I get from people. Even though it’s a form of communication, why are we so adapted to asking it anyways when we’re just constantly going to be getting the same answers? I’ve heard people say they’re not doing good or they’re doing bad. I’ve said it myself. When I do say that I’m doing bad some disregard it, while others ask “what’s wrong?” but they don’t want to really hear what’s wrong. ┬áSome do, but the vast majority don’t want to hear it.

Why not be able to say how bad you’re doing and not be judged by it? I am thoroughly judged but why? I know why, because I tell the truth. I NEVER pretend to be something I’m not. I’m always myself and people hate that. I don’t put up a front, I just don’t. I am the opposite of what society wants me to be. Not only am I Schizoaffective but I have OCD, not only do I have OCD I have PTSD, not only do I have PTSD I have depression, not only do I have depression I have high functioning autism, not only do I have high functioning autism, not only do I have high functioning autism I’m..what am I? Do all these things define me? Why do I have so much stuff I have to deal with? You know why? Because I can show other people that if I can get through it so can they. Because I can show people that ANYONE can succeed. I’m a first year college student and I exceeded on my spring term classes. I’m living off Social Security Disability but I’m looking for a job. I can’t communicate very well but I’m still doing my best to do so. There’s nothing wrong with living off social security just to clarify. It has done wonders for me and I appreciate getting the opportunity to have an income. Social Security is a good thing to have but I don’t want to live off it for the rest of my life. I feel like I can do more. All these things I have in my mind, THE WORKINGS OF MY MIND does not define me, it’s just a huge part of me. We are not alone!

You may wonder if I proofread my blog posts before I post them? Well, I don’t. I don’t because I don’t want to hinder the truth. Don’t let your mental illness define you. I’m still working on that. Soon you will read about my psychotic symptoms. But not in this particular blog post, maybe in my next one.

How am I?

 

Posted in The workings of my mind

We’re not alone

I started this blog on tumblr but decided to switch. WordPress is what’s been better for me in the past so I decided to go back to it. I’ve had multiple blogs in the past, one of which was a really good one that wound up with a lot of followers. Getting a lot of followers isn’t my goal though. My goal is to inspire at least one person. I’m not trying to get a lot of followers.

So to explain my blog, I’m not entirely sure what exactly it’s going to entail. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I know some of which will be included in this blog. The workings of my mind is one, my rants as another, Q&As if people are willing to participate, and whatever else. I’m an aspiring writer, writing is my passion and always has been. I’ve always been told that I should do something with it. I’m in the process of writing my own book. I’m still brainstorming ideas on what exactly I want the book to entail. I know that the primary purpose for the book will be mental illness. I live with multiple mental illnesses. I have schizoaffective disorder which means that I’m schizophrenic and bipolar. For my schizophrenia, I’m on the paranoid side and as for my bipolar, I’m on the manic side.

So just to inform the readers, some people will get angry with what I say, some people will unfollow me due to that, but I’m okay with that. I’m not going to set myself to a standard that I can’t reach. Everything I say is from the heart. If you do happen to like this blog, I hope it helps you, you as in the reader.

So to explain my blog name, writings4theheart, it does have a lot of significance to it. I’ll explain it all in sections and then as a whole. Let’s start with “writings.” I am a writer, I may not be an author or someone famous or even someone well known or well liked. I’m more of an outcast. So for writings it’s the workings of my mind which I will mention many times, the way my mind gets all messed up because a lot of times I can’t deal with my emotions. My rants, my anger, when I’m having a good day, when I’m having a bad day. You will see it all. You will see it all because I want people to know that they’re not alone, hence the title of this blog post, “We are not alone.” I say we because nobody should feel like they don’t belong. I’ve been through a lot of shit and I haven’t felt like I belong my whole life. Now for the “4” part. It’s honestly mostly because my username would be take if it didn’t have it as the number 4. After putting the number 4 it started to make some sense. With that I mean that instead of it being “for” like society wants it to be, it’s “4” because it shows something different. As for the “heart,” I mostly explained that part but I have a big heart, I may not show it all the time, but I’m sensitive and emotional and that shows that I have a heart.

Stay tuned, more to come soon. If you have any questions that you want answered on here anonymously or even a private message, please email me at writings4theheart@gmail.com or check out my facebook blog page. Thank you for reading my first blog post, goodnight.