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What is?

Today I am feeling at peace. I have a lot of good things going for me. My mental illness is under control, I start my first job in a couple days and I’m almost done with summer term in college. Not to mention that my cars in the shop getting fixed! I have a little over 9 months clean and my life is beautiful. I’m grateful for my life today. I have a hint of happiness and that’s big shit. I haven’t had even the slightest bit of happiness in years so this is a huge deal. Although, I am still trying the find out what to do when I’m experiencing uncomfortable emotions such as anger and sadness. I’m managing them better than I used to though.

What is life? What is love? What is happiness? I’m finding that out. Thank you for reading. More blog posts coming soon.

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Good things

I had a good day today. I got my first job, I got a car the other day and I’m still passing all my classes in school. I also have 9 months clean. I’m in recovery. Anything is possible. Mental illness may be an every day struggle but it’s still possible to achieve things during the struggle. I have a little hint of happiness which is a huge deal for me. I don’t let my mental illness get in the way of my accomplishments. I’m a college student, that’s huge. This is my second term. So for those of you who think you can’t be successful because you have a mental illness, you’re wrong. I’m living proof of that. Everyone has potential. I’ve gone through a lot of struggles in my lifetime and still do, but I now finally feel at peace. Goodnight everyone. Feel free to check out my Facebook page. Please like it. http://www.facebook.com/writings4theheart 

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Changes

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here. There’s been a lot of changes going on. I’ve been in a funk but I’ve slowly been getting out of it. I’ve been stuck in this funk for a while. But hopefully soon I’ll be posting a movie review. It’s a surprise. I’ve already watched the movie and it was a good one. 

Even though I’ve been in a funk I’ve still managed to stay on top of school work. I skipped two classes though because I was so depressed and was feeling psychotic. Mostly I’ve just been sleeping, but now it’s time to pick myself back up.

Blogging is something I enjoy so you’ll be hearing from me again sometime soon. I just haven’t been in the right mindset lately.

Goodnight everyone. Oh. And the workings of my mind part 2 will be coming out soon too.

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Anger

So recently I’ve started working on my anger. I have anger problems and I am known to lash out and say and do things that damage personal relationships. I am in therapy and my therapist gave me a book to read called Make Anger Your Ally by Neil Clark Warren. So far so good. I started an anger journal tonight which I got the idea from the book so the book is helping me. I also bought a DBT skills workbook by Matthew McKay that I’m also going to be working on with my therapist. Anger is a huge deal for me and I haven’t been taking care of it. I know my stress level is always high due to the mismanagement of my anger, it’s something I wasn’t dealing with. Being mad at the world all the time isn’t healthy for me. What I can tell you is that being angry all the time is draining and anger is something that is important to work on.

I know that my mental health will improve if I continue to work on my anger. This is an area that I’ve lacked. It’s an area that I never really truly worked on, and now that I am I am sensing some improvement. I mean, yes, I’ve worked on it a little bit, I haven’t laid hands on anyone in over two years BUT that’s not enough. I get angry outbursts, freak out on people and freak out in general, it’s not healthy. So the fact that I’m finally working on it is a huge deal, something I’m proud of.

I’ve been going to several people asking them how they manage their anger and it has given me hope that I too can learn to mange my anger. Coping skills are important. For those who have been in treatment centers you’ve probably heard the term. It’s applying it that’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Thank you for reading. Please like my facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/writings4theheart goodnight everyone!

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Lately

So I’ve been struggling with being angry all the time and lately I’ve been waking up angry. Due to that I didn’t want to post on my blog because the negativity would be strong. A lot of the time I’m a negative person and it tends to be getting worse. So instead of writing a completely negative post I decided to not post anything at all.

Honestly, my moods been going from bad to worse a long with my mental health but luckily I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a few days to get my meds adjusted. It feels like a hassle having to take meds and having to get them adjusted all the time but it’s adjusted choice I’m willing to make. Reason being that I’d rather not hear voices all the time and get in psychosis all the time. To me there’s only two options, I can either take my meds and be somewhat functional or not take them at all and not be functional at all. Being somewhat functional sounds like a better alternative. It’s a hit and miss with meds and I know that once I get on the right combination I’ll be able to become completely functional.

The cool thing is that I’m a college student and manage to keep good grades even when I’m going through crisis. I have a lot going on in my life but getting a degree is important to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about admitting myself to the psychiatric ward because that’s what I’m used to. I don’t like the hospital and it affects my PTSD due to past experiences but for some reason I always want to go there when I’m struggling. But I need to know my limits. It’s good to go to the hospital when you’re struggling but for me, I shouldn’t go unless I’m a danger to myself or others. I don’t feel like I am and I still have a lot of unpaid medical bills. But I know that if I really need to go I’ll go.

My past experiences in hospitals haven’t been that good. I have a history of violence in hospitals. I have attacked nurses and other staff members when in a psychosis and when I was on drugs and due to that I’ve been tackled, tranquilized and strapped down on multiple occassions. They were very scary experiences. I don’t believe restraints are the measures they should take, it’s terrifying and only made me freak out more. I’ve been in and out of the hospital since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I can’t go past 2 or 3 months without going to the hospital for one reason or another. But my hospitalizations are becoming less frequent and I’m learning new coping skills. Practicing them is the hard part though. Every time I get hospitalized for suicidal ideations or attempts I get put in a tiny cold room with nothing but a bed and a TV. I also don’t have a very good track record with hospitals and psych wards, due to that is why they put me in those tiny rooms, because I’m known to be violent. That goes to show that my past creeps up on me. On the bright side of that though, I havent layed a hand on anyone for over 2 years. That’s an accomplishment

Thanks for reading. Do remember that to contact me my email is writings4theheart@gmail.com or you can visit my Facebook page. I’m off to bed. Have a good night everyone.

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Facebook

Like this blog? Feel free to follow my facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/writings4theheart

Please show your support if you wish. 🙂 and if you have a friend who may be interested in reading this blog or anyone for that matter, feel free to invite them to my facebook page and it’ll say the link to this blog on here and when I have new posts on my blog.

Thank you everyone for being a part of my blog.

Posted in The workings of my mind, Uncategorized

How are you?

So I realized that when people ask me how I am I can give a different answer to each person in a matter of five minutes. Do they really want to know how I am? What’s the point in even asking someone how they are when they don’t want to know the details? If they’re close friends I understand, but if they’re just acquaintances or passerby’s why is it the norm for people to ask, “How are you?”. This is something I wonder. I say how are you to people but I don’t really think anything of it. The main answers I get when I ask someone how they are would be “fine”, “okay”, “alright”, “good.” Those are the main answers I get from people. Even though it’s a form of communication, why are we so adapted to asking it anyways when we’re just constantly going to be getting the same answers? I’ve heard people say they’re not doing good or they’re doing bad. I’ve said it myself. When I do say that I’m doing bad some disregard it, while others ask “what’s wrong?” but they don’t want to really hear what’s wrong.  Some do, but the vast majority don’t want to hear it.

Why not be able to say how bad you’re doing and not be judged by it? I am thoroughly judged but why? I know why, because I tell the truth. I NEVER pretend to be something I’m not. I’m always myself and people hate that. I don’t put up a front, I just don’t. I am the opposite of what society wants me to be. Not only am I Schizoaffective but I have OCD, not only do I have OCD I have PTSD, not only do I have PTSD I have depression, not only do I have depression I have high functioning autism, not only do I have high functioning autism, not only do I have high functioning autism I’m..what am I? Do all these things define me? Why do I have so much stuff I have to deal with? You know why? Because I can show other people that if I can get through it so can they. Because I can show people that ANYONE can succeed. I’m a first year college student and I exceeded on my spring term classes. I’m living off Social Security Disability but I’m looking for a job. I can’t communicate very well but I’m still doing my best to do so. There’s nothing wrong with living off social security just to clarify. It has done wonders for me and I appreciate getting the opportunity to have an income. Social Security is a good thing to have but I don’t want to live off it for the rest of my life. I feel like I can do more. All these things I have in my mind, THE WORKINGS OF MY MIND does not define me, it’s just a huge part of me. We are not alone!

You may wonder if I proofread my blog posts before I post them? Well, I don’t. I don’t because I don’t want to hinder the truth. Don’t let your mental illness define you. I’m still working on that. Soon you will read about my psychotic symptoms. But not in this particular blog post, maybe in my next one.

How am I?

 

Posted in Book Review, Uncategorized

Book Review #1

So I decided another portion of my blog is to review books and movies that pertain to mental illness. The first book I’m going to review is: The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks

I finished this book about a month ago. I was trying to find a memoir about schizophrenia on Amazon and with much searching I came across this one. Elyn Saks story gave me hope. The journey she went through with her mental illness was extremely relatable. In this book she tells about all the shit she’s went through with her mental illness and how she’s learned to manage it.

When I first started reading this book I was struggling hardcore with my mental illness. I had come back from a relapse from drug addiction so my mental health was all out of whack. I wanted to read something that would inspire me and give me back the hope that I lost. I came across this, I read the description of this book and decided that this was the one I wanted to read. It may have taken me a while to read it due to my procrastination and stuff going on in my life, but I felt like I went through the journey with her. Nothing she said in the book shocked me. Reason being that I’ve felt those same exact ways. Her journey was rocky and it wasn’t easy but now she’s what they call a stable schizophrenic. That is something I strive to become. I’ve been stable for a month or so and that was the longest time I’ve reached stability. It’s possible. I was at a good point in my life but then I fell back into psychosis. I’m still working on hitting the point of stability again.

Mental illness is an every day struggle, it’s not easy, but it is possible to get and stay stable, Elyn Saks is a prime example of that. I’m not going to give out any spoilers because I would like people to read the book themselves but it’s definitely worth the read. Part of what helped me with my schizophrenia was reading this book. It showed me that there is hope and to never give up. Even when I feel discouraged I keep on going. When I fall, I get back up. When I want to quit, I reach out.

My life goal is to be happy, I have not yet achieved it, it’s been my goal for many years but I am well on my way to happiness. At this point in my life I am struggling with my mental illness but it’s slowly getting better. I’m getting some med changes so I’m going to be up and down but I’ll get through it, like I always do.

For anyone struggling, this book is on Amazon, that’s where I bought it. For anyone who would like to contact me with questions or more ideas for my blog feel free to email me at writings4theheart@gmail.com or visit my Facebook page Writings4theheart.

Thank you for reading.

 

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Define headspace (no, not the app)

There are things that are hard for me to define. I struggle with identifying my feelings. When I’m out in public I put on this while tough girl persona, I’ve been doing that since I was a teenager. I only know how to identify two feelings. Sad and mad. I haven’t found myself to be able to identify any other feelings because I’m afraid that people would view me as weak and someone that can get walked all over. Theres a feeling “scared.” But it’s doubtful that I’ll say it again anytime soon. That’s what happens when I don’t want to express my so called feelings. Every time I let my guard down I regret it. I’m not in a good headspace right now. But that’s okay because my blog isn’t always going to be super positive. It’s gonna be real. How will I help at least one person if all they see is positive shit? People need to see the struggles too and how I overcome them. There is no smooth ride for me. It’s bumpy, so many ups and downs. Due to me being bipolar, the ups and downs at times change within five minutes. My mental health is getting bad again, I feel like I’m at the point of no return, I want to give up. Will I give up? The answer is no because my mental illness doesn’t define me. I will be dealing with my mental illness for the rest of my life and I’ll continue to get back up every time I fall. Do I feel that now? No. Will I feel that in 5 minutes? Doubtful. An hour? Possibly. Tomorrow? Good chance. I’m not someone who gives up. As much as I want to. So yeah, I’m in a bad headspace right now. I’m going to a meeting shortly. Yes, I’m a recovering addict. I don’t remember if I mentioned that or not.

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Society

Society irritates me at times. Especially the media. The media portrays mental illness and disabilities negatively and I’m ashamed of the media and society for believing it. I can’t change what the media does and how society feels but I can in some sort make a difference. I’m not a very positive person. I’m very negative. But I am a good person with a loving heart. A lot of people think I’m crazy due to my schizophrenia and judge me based on that. Who are they to judge? I do have some good qualities and I’m highly intelligent, my past with multiple friendships haven’t been easy but I learn more each time. I’m not going to change who I am for other people. But I do improve and grow. I’m a good listener. I don’t always know what to say though. Anyone who says they don’t judge is somewhat fibbing. Everyone judges. But there’s different types of judging in my opinion. There’s judging in your head but putting the judgments to the side to get to know the person, there’s judging out loud not giving people a chance, there’s judging when you don’t like what other people like to say, etc. When I find myself judging someone I stop and think, who am I to judge? I don’t want to be judged and not have a chance, so why do it to other people? It took me a long time to realize that and I’m still a work in progress. Some things people say may shock me, but I love them enough not to let that effect our friendship. Well, I have finals to take at school so I will make another blog post later. Thank for reading.